What’s a good time to tackle the co-sleeping? I was thinking it might be less stress to do it while S is on a trip (he’s going to be gone for a whole month this summer) but will I be compounding the difficulty if I do? In my opinion it would benefit everyone to have the boys together as soon as possible.

Co-sleeping, I believe, really helps to bond brothers and sisters. It helps, by the direction of the parents, to encourage care and affection toward one another. If one wakes in the night, the other can help quiet and secure the other. My experience is that when I hear a little one cry in the night, I often am beat to the aid of the child by one of the other kids shushing and comforting the frightened one to sleep. I just know that I don’t want to sleep alone every night and I am sure that kids don’t either. It is always a comfort to have a warm body close by. When we have had our children sleeping with us during the nursing years, the children would sometimes wake in the night, cry out briefly, but then see that we were there next to them and, then lie down usually touching one or both of us–totally comforted. I believe that this breeds an overall sense of security. Although this is really not something that can be measured or tested, I am convinced that having the children sleep with us and then with each other has contributed to the pervasive security and well-being in our children. As with any other training, once you move the boys in together it will take a week or so of consistently setting the expectations of what sleep time “looks like” and then enforcing it. Once they understand the standard (or expectation) and they know that you intend on helping them uphold it, you will find that bedtime is a peaceful and enjoyable end to the day.

Both for now and when we move the boys together, should we have them nap/sleep with their doors open or shut? I’ve always shut them so that they aren’t woken up by me but I think I miss some misbehaving when I do (C getting out of bed to grab a toy and then getting back in bed- that sort of thing). I’m trying to think ahead to when they’re in the same room too…

In our family, we have an open door policy—especially for the younger kids. (Now that we have teens, they sometimes need a bit of quiet away from the family to study and read and talk, so we allow them to close their doors more often, though we have easy access and check on them at random times.) For the young ones, we keep the doors open. We talk about respect in this area as well. Those in the house must respect the freedom of the “nappers” to be able to sleep in quiet. (I have never tried to keep it really quiet around those that are sleeping, though, so that they didn’t require quiet in order to sleep. It seems to make them more flexible.) In your situation, when you do put them down for naps (and bed) I would stay close by the bedroom and really pay attention for several days in a row and really train proper behavior (no toys, etc.) consistently for a while, till they “get” what nap time and bed time are suppose to be like in the household. Once they seem to understand the sleep time standard, then you will be able to have some freedom during their times of rest.

Blessings,

Mama Amy

Right now things seem so out of whack, should I just focus on 1 or 2 behaviors and tackle those while letting the others slide until we’ve got them under control or just go for the whole shebang?  Where do I start???

Focusing on a couple of areas for the moment sounds like a good strategy, especially since you have a new babe to care for as well. So if you would like to focus on authority and establishing domain, this would be a worthy beginning.  In our minds, a recognition of and respect for authority are the highest ideals of the Kingdom: our recognition of the King and His delegates. We define authority as right and responsibility plus service.  The foundation of a child training pyramid (see below) reflects this definition of authority.  By understanding your authority in the lives of your sons, you then have the right and responsibility to begin serving by developing your relationship with your sons.  It is bonding with them, enjoying them, and playing with them. It is also building the assurance in them that they are provided for and protected–always. You and your husband are their all in all. You will take care of their every need.  And it is training the foundations of obedience to your authority. These are the basics and a place to begin.

Here are a few ideas: while the baby is napping or occupied, you might set up some training sessions to help establish your word as the authoritative word.  I used to play a game with my children called “Mother May I?”  It basically is Simon Says, but it reminds children to respond appropriately.  I would give a command and they would say “yes ma’am” and then obey.  We also set up candles (unlit) on our coffee table and as soon as they were old enough to pull up, they began to try to touch them.  We would spend the evenings training them in the word “no” and thumping their hand if they tried to touch them after the word was given.  Creativity is useful when coming up with training sessions.  They should be positive and fun and the parent’s attitude should be good.  Again, if the parent is looking for chances to develop schema and train in obedience, then it is much less a burden than an opportunity.

Blessings,

Mama Amy

As far as the sessions to work the rebellion out of their hearts, you mentioned you’ve only had to do this 1-2 times for each child.  Um, either I totally screwed up with C or he is one tough cookie because I’ve had to do this many times (6 at least probably).  It hasn’t been recent, let me rephrase that- it hasn’t taken a long time recently (one time it was almost 3 hours to get him to comply but lately the most has probably been 5-10 min) but am I totally missing something or is it just him?  I haven’t had to do it with K at all yet.

A weekend past, it was snowing and cold, so we spent some of our days watching home videos.  It is always so fun to look back at those videos of when the kids were small.  We all just laugh.  It reminded me of is what it was like back when I had 3. My third child was/is my “strong willed” child.  Sam was a stinker from the beginning. Just looking at him in those videos brings back many memories of the difficult time we had with him.  We had training session after training session and I would call my husband crying that I just couldn’t make him do anything he was supposed to do.  Mitch would say, “Keep it up, I’ll be home to take over soon!” The training of his soul required many more of those extended training sessions than the rest of my kids.  He just had such a determination about him that it took more to get it through to him that I required him to obey my word and disobedience was never acceptable.

I say that Sam is my strong willed child still, but through those years of determined effort, he is now well trained in self control and obedience.  His determination and strength are used to race bikes, rollerblade, juggle, learn piano—to learn to do what ever he puts his mind to.  He is amazingly disciplined.  He’s the first to have his homework done, he always takes his vitamins and eats well, and he keeps his room and drawers very organized and clean.  He’s a great guy who is happy and fun to be with. I know that God made him with this personality for a purpose. I could see him winning the Tour de France someday!

Just last evening, we went to fellowship with some friends. A man there who doesn’t know Sam and his history very well felt led to pray for Samuel.  And in front of everyone, the man spoke these words to Sam, “Purpose to set your heart to be trained by the father…you have been known by your brothers to be stubborn and strong-headed, but this is a gift…so you know when to stand in the Spirit and not in your soul…there is no condemnation but you have been known as bull-headed, again this is a gift to sharpen you so you are equipped to learn the deep things of God…You  have a father and mother that are training you for mighty things to happen.”  The Lord really confirmed what we have felt about Samuel.  It is true that the Lord has indeed given him this character trait for His purposes.  Our cooperative training of Samuel’s soul is essential to his growth and maturity in the things of the Kingdom.

I share this to encourage you to continue in the good work of training C. Your C may be a tougher kid, but God may have made him that way for a purpose as well.  If so, then it is essential that you continue to train him until he can use his self discipline and self control.  He will in turn lead the other kids into obedience and be a joy to you, your family and all those he has relationship with and be equipped for the purposes that God has intended for him.

Mama Amy

How often should I be spanking and how can I be certain that spanking is the necessary intervention rather than coaching, etc?  In other words, how do I define when an occasion is meant for training and when it’s meant for discipline?  I feel like I never stop spanking C and wonder if I’m doing the right thing or pushing him too hard to “get it” before he is truly capable.  What’s normal?

This is an excellent question.  As children grow up, they try to understand the world and put it in order according to their understanding.  If, within this understanding, they learn about what behavior is appropriate in a situation, it becomes part of the order of their world.  It becomes part of their schema–the schematic in their brain that informs future behavior.  We are forming the schema of our children from their birth.  In our children, their schema reflects the understanding that disobedience brings sadness, obedience brings joy.  We have been training this in them since they were a few months old.    We are always coaching the children along the way, we are always talking of appropriate behavior, we are always defining the boundaries and interpreting situations, we are always training the children.  (In fact, not doing anything is training.)  Part of our job as parents is determining when disobedience/rebellion is in the heart of the child or if they just made a childish error. In our home discipline is reserved for disobedience–when a child knows what to do and does it not.  (It is like sin, when someone knows the thing to do and does it not, to him it is sin.) Consistent discipline for disobedience continues to inform the child’s schema that disobedience brings sadness—every time. It is a law.  It is a truth. You reap what you sow.  If you sow disobedience you reap sadness.

Training is different than discipline.  Training is proactive.  Think in terms of an athlete.  He trains his body to prepare it for the race.  It is a consistent work that alters his body over time.  Training is scheduling and setting up opportunities to develop behavior patterns, which may involve minor pain (an athlete suffers some during the training process) but it is not the same as discipline.  If you are proactive in training, then discipline is needed much less often.  Training is to form basic behavioral schema—what is appropriate behavior.  Discipline is reserved for rebellion/disobedience. For disobedience, a consequence is absolutely necessary.  Perhaps spanking is appropriate. For the most social of my children, sending him to his room by himself is more effective.  It is what you choose as the consequence and it must be consistent and immediate to be effective in altering his schema.  Disobedience brings sadness every time. (Not just for the child, but for everyone around him.)

In our family, we worked with our children on training with training sessions, and we disciplined for disobedience.  On rare occasions (once or twice for each child) the child would go through a major session of working out the rebellion in his heart.  The most recent time was with my youngest (when she was 2 or 3).  I was schooling some of the kids when I gave Moriah a word and she refused to do it.  I told her again what to do and she said “no.”  At that point, I could see that she had rebellion in her heart and I had to help her fight it.  (Btw, we teach the children that you fight rebellion with obedience.)  I told the other kids, that I needed to spend time working with Moriah, so school was finished for a while.  For the next hour I continued to give her a command and she continued to say “no” so I would give her a little switch, reminding her that it is my job to teach her obedience and that obedience brings joy.  “You have sadness right now because of the disobedience.  Please obey my word.  Obedience brings joy.” This went on for a long time.  Eventually she did the original thing I had asked, so I gave a different word to test if she was fully obedient.  She chose to say “no” to that word.  So we started the cycle again until she complied. After compliance, I would always alter the command to test what was in her heart and I didn’t stop until she would say “yes mama” and obey with a happy attitude.  (Keep in mind, my response was always a matter of fact—never in frustration or anger.  I was given to her to teach her. I was on her side.)  Once we established that obedience was required every time and that I was determined to help her obey because of my love for her and desire for her to have joy in her life, then she went for a long while without a challenge.  As I said, each child has gone through at least one of these sessions, but each one made a huge step in his understanding that my word has value, that obedience is absolutely required and that there is no option for disobedience.

Another important thing to consider; when it comes to training children, we look for opportunities for training.  When they do something that is not upholding the standards, we take it as an opportunity to train.  It is a good thing.  It is a positive thing. It is important Kingdom work that I have been given to do.

Mama Amy

C is often (and I mean often, more times than not for no reason) yelling at K and is also quick to take his toys, etc (which K rarely minds but still…).  Is this a matter to switch/spank for or is it again something to verbally train.  I’ve tried a bit of everything- coaching how to say it appropriately, commanding silence, spanking, etc.

Again, this is an area where explicit instruction is essential, and then consequences should be understood and then followed through on.

I think these are 2 separate issues but both would be infractions against the standard of respect: yelling and snatching toys.

If the yelling is a means of “disciplining” on C’s part it is like the issue from Question 1 and would need similar training.  If the issue of yelling is random and unexplainable, then it is a matter of respect that needs training.  Yelling is disrespectful of everyone’s freedom to live in a peaceful home. Perhaps I would say, “C, it is not appropriate to yell, please respect our freedom to live in a peaceful home. Do not yell.”  (if it is the first or second time that I am introducing a concept then again I would make sure that the child understands the offense—disrespect—and then I would let him know that I will have to discipline him if he doesn’t use his self control and be respectful.)  Then, I would take every opportunity to help him understand the concept of respect.  If we are out in public and another child is yelling, I would point it out and tell my son that the child is being disrespectful.  If we are at a restaurant and someone’s child is running around or yelling again I would say something like, “See, C, that child is not respecting our freedom to have a nice dinner.  That child is disrespectful.  Isn’t that an awful sound!  Thank you for being respectful and sitting quietly.”  If they can learn experientially what disrespect and respect are by me pointing out a number of different contexts where other children are disrespectful or respectful then they begin to understand the concepts.

Snatching toys is another form of disrespect–especially if ownership has been established.  In our household, each toy is “owned” by someone.  He has domain over that toy.  If someone else tries to snatch a toy, then I can ask whose toy it is.  The one who owns it, gets it.  “You may not snatch toys from each other.  It is disrespectful.  Disrespect tears down our family, respect builds up our family.  Please respect your brother’s freedom to have his toys without them being snatched away. Please go and find your own toys to play with.”  I would also perhaps take the opportunity (now or in the near future) to talk about sharing.  “If you would like to use your brother’s toy, then ask nicely to borrow it or use it.  If he lets you, then say ‘thanks, brother, for sharing’ if he chooses not to share, say ‘maybe another time.’”  He has authority over his own toys and he can choose to share or not.  We hope that he will share and encourage that act of loving the brother, but if he has reasons for not sharing, we must respect them.

This area of respect is an important standard in our family and we continue to train it in a variety of contexts.  When you have these types of standards, rules against innumerable infractions become unnecessary and child training becomes much simpler.  Every action can be defined by one of the standards. Once they understand the standards then they can begin to recognize and extrapolate how to alter their behavior based on those few standards.

Mama Amy

When C (age 3) corrects K (age 2) while I am already correcting him, I’ve been telling him that I have authority here and he needs to be quiet like you suggested.  He is quiet but then the next time I correct K, he’s chiming in again.  Is this something I should correct as disobedience at that point or is it just another occasion for a verbal reminder?

I think the important thing here would be to discern what’s in C’s heart. When we correct young ones often it takes awhile for them to change a habit or get the idea. If you can discern that C didn’t understand or didn’t get it the first time, a verbal reminder is ok, but I would perhaps say, “C, thank you for trying to help Mommy teach K what is right, but when Mommy is correcting K, you may not do this. C, do you understand? Mommy has authority to correct K, you do not. If you continue to correct him while I am correcting him it will be disobedient and I will have to discipline you. Do not correct K while I am doing it.” Then if he does it the next time, remind him of your word, “C, I told you not to correct K while I am doing it and you disobeyed my word, you didn’t use your self discipline to obey, and now I must discipline you.” And then as a matter of fact, discipline him for disobeying your word.

It is always important to be explicit with what your word is, and the consequences of disobedience to that word. Once you are clear that they understand your word, then you must be disciplined to discipline when they disobey. They always have a choice: to use their self-discipline (and/or self control) or you must discipline or control them. It becomes a simple (although not always easy) matter of fact. They know what to do and if they disobey, then they must face the consequences. I think giving them the option of using self control or self discipline is a key factor in training them. They will, over time realize that they can do it themselves and don’t need your intervention. It is training in them an invaluable concept: “I can control myself with self discipline.” (We are really seeing the value of this training with our teenage boys…they fully understand the concept of self control and they are a pleasure to have around.)

Also, at another time, perhaps, you may want to talk to C about what he does have authority to do. For example, I often tell my 6 year old “You don’t have authority to train or discipline Moriah (the 4 year old), but you do have authority to encourage her to do the right thing and be a good example for her. If Moriah won’t listen and continues to do something she shouldn’t, then you can let Mommy know that you tried to encourage her, but she isn’t listening.” Then I will take care of the situation…

Mama Amy

Read also: Basic Training

Hey Amy!  Thanks again for talking with me the other day.  I’ve been thinking and praying a lot about what you had to say and seeking God on the direction for our family with standards, etc.  I know for sure that obedience, respect and love fit for us although respect seems a little abstract for me to try to teach so I’m working on defining it more concretely in my own mind.  I’m also thinking through the idea of thankfulness/contentment and maybe wisdom being other standards but am still praying about those- any thoughts there?  So here are the other questions I’ve had as I’ve been thinking all this through:

Hello KC,

I am so proud of you and your efforts to do the labor in the Kingdom of training your children. You have asked really good questions and they prove your thoughtful consideration of the experience that I shared with you. The standards that you have named are excellent and I know that as you and your family uphold these, you will reap the harvest that they cultivate in the home. As Mitch and I have been studying/seeking first the Kingdom, we have been asking the Lord what the highest ideal in the Kingdom is. We feel that right now He has shown us that submission to and respect for authority is the highest ideal. Because it is a Kingdom, we must honor the authority of the King foremost because that is what holds the Kingdom together. We then must respect the hierarchy of authority that He has given us for our good.

Included in this ideal is the term respect. To develop understanding of this word, let me share with you a revelation that Mitch and I had a few months back. We were talking about how God respects the domain that He has given to man. As we discussed it, we remembered the verses that have been ingrained in most kid’s heads but have little been understood: The Lord’s prayer:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We started to think about this from the Kingdom perspective and we asked, “What is a trespass?” It is entering someone else’s property without their consent. It is disrespecting their domain. If you think about it, God has entrusted us with domain in his Kingdom. The first domain that He gives us is ourselves and then He eventually entrusts us with more. We must “rule well” with the domain that He gives us if we are to get more. “He who is faithful with little will be given much.”

With our children, we encourage them to rule well over themselves from a very young age and then we begin to give them other bits of “domain” as toys or stewardships. We then encourage them to rule well over those things. “Respect” is recognizing the “domain” and understanding who has the “domain” and not trespassing into that domain. It is disrespectful to trespass into another’s domain without their consent. In fact, it is something that the Lord demonstrated the need for forgiveness for. (We feel that this is a concept that many Christians do not understand—many trespass into domain’s not given them in the name of ministry.)

I hope this clarifies the term respect a bit. . I really encourage you to read the article on the blog Training God’s Heirs about Rules vs. Standards. It may illuminate this topic a little more.

http://traininggodsheirs.wordpress.com/2008/03/13/rules-vs-stewardship/

Mama Amy

(More Questions to come)

It has been a while since I have had time to add to the blog…I have been writing though.  A friend of a friend has called and asked for some very specific help in training her children.  We spoke on the phone for several hours and then she has since kept an ongoing list of specific questions that she has emailed me at intervals.  I have tried to respond to each of the questions from my own experience in raising my own children.  With her permission, I will be posting the questions and answers over the course of the next few weeks (or months if the questions keep coming!) Perhaps others have similar questions and would like to hear this mom’s experience or ideas on the subject.  Be back soon…

Mama Amy

Here are a couple of big questions that I have been wanting to try and address:

Question 1: What do I do about nap time for my son? He’s 16 months old now and since I weaned him nap time has been a nightmare! I had to wean rather abruptly and felt kinda bad about it, so we rocked him to sleep every nap and at bedtime and every two hours at night! We had to stand up and dance around or he would scream terribly. He was 13 months old at the time…
Okay, long story short, he’s used to being strolled to sleep in the stroller twice a day for his nap. It was fine for a while because we need exercise and it only took 10-15 minutes. Then he’d sleep in the stroller–but never for more than an hour. Now it takes 30 + minutes and with homeschooling i can’t do an hour to hour-and-a-half each day strolling!
How do we teach him to fall asleep?
We’re using a mattress on the floor for him, in our room. We have a crib, though, we’ve just never used it. I would love to be able to lay him down, rub his back for a minute then walk away. I’ve tried holding him during story time, hoping he’d fall asleep, but he’s SO active he just runs and runs until he’s wildly sleepy but can’t calm down. Would you advise switching him to teach him to lay still and stay in his bed? Would he understand that? or should things be more gradual? what steps should I take to get there? Should i abandon the first nap so he’d be really tired by 2pm and fall asleep easier? (I remember my other 2 children gave up the morning nap around 18 months old.) What do you think of the “cry it out in the crib” method? I’ve always hated that idea, but he’s “crying it out in my arms” anyway, so what’s the difference at this point?
One note, his personality is VERY active and physical, things that worked with my other children don’t work with him.
Anyway, thanks for reading.

Question 2:  When and how do you train a little one to “cry quietly” or “be still” for diaper changing, etc.? At 14 months old, I don’t know if my son can understand “cry quietly” or “sit still” as spoken commands. With “don’t touch” we switch and move his hand, pretty clear. With “come to mama” we have another adult gently guide him over to me until he understands the idea… what do you do to communicate what “cry quietly” means? or sit still?

Here are some of my thoughts:

I would love to address your question of the nap. Let’s start with a bit of testimony. My # three child sounds a bit like yours. Sam was a little destroyer. He was/is incredibly active, he was/is incredibly strong, he was/is extremely determined. All of these traits at age say…15months to 4years…is very trying for the mom. When Sam was that age, I would regularly call Mitch and just cry, “I feel like I am constantly training him and it doesn’t seem to do any good.” He would reassure me that I was doing a good job, to keep at it, and “win.” Then he would come home and take over the training sessions. We set up the candles on the table and then other things that would seem like interesting things for him to touch (but wouldn’t be dangerous or valuable if he broke them.) We would spend time around that coffee table and every time Sam went to touch the “no-no” we would say those words calmly and if he touched it, then we would thump his hand. We would work with him again and again. These training sessions would last 30 minutes or more. It didn’t take long to see that the thumping wasn’t getting the desired result, so we had to increase the intensity. (I hadn’t had to be that intense with the previous two boys: Josh would be so repentant with just a word of correction, Matthan was what I would call a “normal learner”, but Sam was/is “strong willed.” ) He was determined, so I had to be more determined. He was resolute to exert his will in everything. (His soul wanted to rule—he wanted his own mind, his own will, to justify his own emotions rather than submit to me.) He didn’t want to go to sleep, because he didn’t want to miss any activity, but we had to train him to do it. He didn’t want to sit still, so we had to train him to do it. It all took/takes training.

A beginning step is defining the standard for your family and then secondly requiring the standard to be upheld. If the standard is 2 hours of quiet time every day (where they have to lie down quietly and hopefully sleep), then you can train that. If the standard is 8:00 pm bedtime, then you can train that as well. If the standard is mealtime where everyone stays in their seat and sits quietly until they are asked to join in the conversation, then that also can be trained. Once you and your hubby determine what the standard is going to be, then you must dedicate time and energy to that training. If you want your son to take a nap at a certain time, (and with Sam, he moved into the “one nap a day schedule” earlier than the others) then you must decide what that time will be (for the most part) set the child’s expectations, and then be sure that you consistently require obedience. Say, “Son, you are going to take a nap right after lunch everyday. Mama will lie down with you and read you one story, and then I expect you to lie there and be quiet and still. You don’t have to sleep, but you have to obey my word. “Please use your self-discipline and obey my word or I will discipline you.”

Now you must be resolute to train his soul to obey your word. This is critical to the development of his soul. You are training his soul to obey the word of God as it is spoken through His representative authority, namely you. You are training his soul to submit to the Holy Spirit …in you. You are TRAINING his soul to be obedient to the authoritative word of the King. There may be no more important training. Obedience is better than sacrifice.

To be sure, if you do not get one school lesson completed for the remainder of the week, but you spend all of your time and energy training his little soul to obey, then you have accomplished a GREAT work. Once his soul is submissive and willing to obey you will be free to work on many other tasks, including teaching reading and writing and math, but none of these is more important than obedience.

(Of course there will need to be reminders and follow-up training sessions, but they will be less and less, because he will understand that the standard is obedience and that the culture of the home during naptime is quiet stillness.)

This obedience training may/will require minor pain to train his brain that “lie down” means lie down. Depending on his stage of language development, you may have to provide some “comprehensible input” and hold your hand on his back and if he sits up, apply some pressure that keeps him down and say, “lie down” and then give him a switch if he resists. “Please obey my word because obedience brings joy.” This may go on a while, but if you dedicate yourself to the task, it will bring the result you desire. Then when he does do what he is told, you encourage him and tell him what a good job he did resting quietly. “See, obedience does bring joy.”

Just to complete my testimony about Samuel, I will say that all of the trials of training Sam have thoroughly paid off. He is still strong, active and determined, but it is directed toward his mountain-biking, juggling, rollerblading, dirt jumping, uni-cycling, homework completion, cooking, cleaning, etc. If he wants to do something, he doesn’t quit until he has mastered it. As far as obedience is concerned he is as determined to be obedient as anything else. He is compliant and incredibly thoughtful. He is sensitive and very happy-go-lucky. He is jovial and fun. In other words, all that training didn’t “break his spirit” –it trained his soul. Now he can control himself–he is self-disciplined. What a joy he is. Obedience does bring joy!

This leads me to say a bit about “crying quietly.” First, I think it is important to note that crying can be limited significantly by anticipating the needs of the child beginning when he is a baby. This really trains him to know that he is protected and provided for. This is a basic component to child training. If one looks at the child training pyramid that Mitch made (http://traininggodsheirs.wordpress.com/2008/07/26/basic-training/), it shows that the base and foundation of child training is relationship and showing the child that the parent will provide for and protect him. I personally do not believe that a baby (0-6months) can be “spoiled” by anticipating and fulfilling his needs. I believe when we anticipate his needs, we are training his soul to trust the intentions of the Father/father & mother which is the foundation of his son-ship…the welcome benefit is reduced crying.

When a baby is born he doesn’t have the ability to produce meaningful language. He can express himself, though. One way is through crying. As he grows older and begins to express his needs through gestures and bits of language, the crying should diminish. If the parent allows the crying to be a main form of communication, it will be. But I truly believe that there are ways to train our young children to use forms of communication other than crying.

Children comprehend language far earlier than they can produce language (remember what it’s like learning a new language…you comprehend well in advance of producing the language.) With this in mind I believe when a child can comprehend language we begin training him to “rule” over his own soul (self-control.) This includes training him to control his emotions by his will.

Currently, I would identify two developmental stages of soul training:

· Pre-language production (limited language comprehension)

· Language production (accompanied by more advanced comprehension)

Pre-language production children can be trained to use self control, including “crying quietly” by implementing the simple training techniques we have discussed so many times. Identify that “crying quietly” is the standard, then

1. Repeat a simple (1-3 words) command like “cry quietly.”
2. Consistently require the proper response (child’s attempt to control crying.)
3. Administer minor pain for non-compliance (no attempt at self-control.)
4. Repeat as needed.

As a child matures and his language development transitions from pre-production (with limited comprehension) to production (with more advanced comprehension) then a more complex training session is required. These sessions include good teaching strategies like “vocabulary development” and “background building.”

Like language learners of any age, children become frustrated when their limited vocabulary limits their ability to communicate. This is especially true for subjects as abstract as emotions. If a child doesn’t know the word for a concrete object, like a truck or doll, then they simply point at what they want and we take that opportunity to use the “comprehensible input” and develop vocabulary. (We say, “truck, that is a truck” or “doll, this is a doll.”) However, when they are experiencing an abstract feeling like an emotion they cannot point to it. With this in mind we must equip children with vocabulary that will help them to identify, categorize and deal with their emotions. Vocabulary can only be developed in the presence of “comprehensible input.” Have you ever tried to learn a language by listening to audio tapes? The speakers ramble on while you guess at what they’re talking about. This technique is ineffective because there is no “comprehensible input”–no pictures. More to the point, you can only teach the word “frustration” when they are experiencing that emotion.

When a child experiences emotion like frustration, disappointment, discouragement, anger, jealousy, etc., three things are needed.

1. Vocabulary development in the presence of “comprehensible input”
2. Background building
3. Instruction in the proper response

First, an interpretation of their feelings is needed for comprehensible input. For example, if a child does not get something that he wants, the parent should interpret the emotion he experiences from being denied what he wants by saying, “Right now, son, the emotion that you are feeling is called disappointment….” Second, after providing the interpretation and developing vocabulary the child needs for us to build background –to provide some stories about other times when he was disappointed, or to testify about when we were disappointed. Finally, he needs to be instructed as to how we properly conduct ourselves when we feel like this, “…and the proper response to “disappointment” is to say, ‘Oh well, maybe next time.’”

Once he has been equipped to manage his emotions, through vocabulary development, background building and being instructed in the proper response he may manifest his emotions through the exercise of his will. At this point we can assess what soul training is necessary.

If he is tempted to express his emotion by crying out, fit throwing, or screaming, we recognize this as an opportunity for soul training–specifically training the will (not the emotions.) Their will must be trained in self control. We do not spank a child for being disappointed, but we may for not using self control and for being disobedient. At the point one experiences an emotion one has a choice to exercise the will or let the emotion “high jack” the will. If one doesn’t know the proper response to the emotion he feels and is not trained to exercise his self control over that will, then he will likely cry out, throw fits or do whatever thing he feels like doing.

If we are indeed raising up kings to rule well in the Kingdom, then kings must learn to “rule” their will, beginning with “exercising authority” over their emotions. Before one can be entrusted to rule over others, one must be in control of one’s own soul and be able to submit it to the Spirit.

Until a child has the Holy Spirit and is mature in operating from this “control center,” the child must learn to submit his soul to the Spirit… in us. Our task in training the soul requires use of the body. (The Bible says, “He that suffers in the flesh is done with sin.”) The brain is the interface between the body and the soul. So to train the brain is part of the process of training the soul. It may seem crazy to switch a child and then require him to cry quietly, but what is needed is brain re-wiring. The minor pain is telling the brain that it is painful to indulge our emotions and scream and cry. (After all it is painful to those who are listening.) As we deal with the soul of the child (in this case the emotions of disappointment), the brain becomes re-wired (by the consistent training) and makes the connections necessary for the soul to invoke the will (obedience) and make the body to respond (the evidence of obedience.)

Even though you have asked about specific incidents or “problems”, I wanted to address the topic in a more general way so that you can see that this concept of TRAINING is applicable to myriad issues related to the exertions of the soul by a child.

The key is understanding that:

• God made us all with a soul (mind, will, and emotions.)
• His desire is that we would operate like His Son Jesus and submit our soul to the Holy Spirit.
• If we are not obedient to the Holy Spirit, then God disciplines those he loves and trains our soul to submit to the Holy Spirit.
• This soul is what must be trained in us, and this is what we are training in our children.

As we continue to train the souls of our children to submit to the Holy Spirit in us through obedience, ideally our children will easily transfer direct obedience to the Holy Spirit when they are of accountable age. Therefore, our efforts in training the souls of our children have eternal impact.

This is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend who had stayed with us for a week with her husband and little children. She wrote to me questioning whether she was serving the Lord enough, and she also was wondering how she could help her husband and train her children better. I felt that one way to serve the Lord and help her husband was by training her children. It is in seeing that all the time and effort that we spend with our children—cuddling, reading, teaching, training, talking to, serving, loving–is service to the king of our household and the King of kings. Anyway, I thought that this may also interest you and give some more insight as to our viewpoint.

First, we want to stress that we are not trying to make anyone like us. That is not the goal at all and that would never work. The Lord trains each son individually, just as we train each of our sons according to their own personality, talents, strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to help one another live up to God’s best for our lives–to be the sons that God saw in His mind before we were in our mother’s womb. That is our goal for our own sons and I know that is what God intends.

You asked what you could do. Well I want you to know that I have witnessed vast improvements in your attitude and actions with your husband and your family. You are on a great path and I can see that your heart toward the Lord (and consequently your husband) has changed for the better over the years. Mitch and I are very proud of you and all of your obvious efforts. I want to encourage you in this.

I think that, as you said, the key is to seek first the Kingdom–Prioritizing by the Kingdom. What is most important in a Kingdom? The King–honor and obedience to him. So in the kingdom of our families that is the priority—the kids are not the priority, the king is. I feel that if our heart is towards the wishes of the king, (whether they be intimate time, meals, house in order, obedient children, etc.) then we will be in right standing with the King of kings. This is our service as a help meet. It is also our work in the Kingdom.

As far as your children are concerned, I know that you have been working with them a lot and there is always a lot to do, especially when they are at these ages (3 under age 5). It is a tough job, but God has equipped you to do it and He will back His delegate. If I may make a few suggestions, though, I did observe some things that may help you as you train your kids. Please know that, again, my intention is to assist as an “older woman” in your life, to help make your life better, to help you love your husband and children and help raise them to be true sons of the King. I am not judging or trying to make them into Cowarts, just assisting in the work of the Kingdom in your little realm as a fellow laborer.

Ideally when we train our children, the goal is not to have kids that will just do what they are told. But instead, the goal is to have children that understand that obedience brings joy. Our goal is for the children to have obedience in their heart and not rebellion. We, as the parents of little children, can make them obey, by manipulation and intimidation. (Bribing and yelling are extremes of manipulation and intimidation, but there are also very subtle ways that we manipulate and intimidate.) Often a child is more obedient when the dad is around mainly because he is more intimidating. This is not the ideal. This will often lead to temporary compliance, but it does not address what is in the heart of the child. If the child obeys but pouts, hits or strikes out, stomps his feet, drags his feet AND eventually obeys, whines while obeying, or just looks blankly and doesn’t obey etc…these are all signs that obedience is not it the child’s heart, but instead they are compliant out of manipulation or intimidation (subtle as it may be), because they know that eventually they may get a spanking or yelled at. I observed this with your kids on various occasions. They eventually obey, but the attitude in which they obey is defiant, angry or pouty. This indicates that it isn’t in their heart to obey. This is a very important aspect of child training and as I type it, I realize that it is a difficult concept to articulate. I have several mothers right now that are asking me very specifically how to train little ones and how to tell if they are being too hard, too lenient, etc. on the child. It is a tough call, but the biggest indicator is the attitude in which they obey. I am regularly talking to my kids (different ones go through this at different times, and some are more apt to do it than others) about attitude from the youngest to the oldest.

One of the first lessons in home-schooling is obedience and the fruit of obedience is a good attitude. Or, it can be said that a good attitude is often an indicator of whether or not obedience is in their heart. Learning “reading, writing and ‘rithmatic” is far less important in the beginning than training the child in obedience. Home-schooling will be much more effective and enjoyable for everyone if the child learns this first lesson of the Kingdom. Obey the King (or in this case, His delegate.) In other words, if the child can say his ABC’s but refuses to because he has rebellion in his heart, has he really learned the important lesson? Conversely, if the child is compliant to obey the teacher in everything because obedience has been trained in him, he will be able to learn and do whatever is required in “school.”

So how do you train the heart of the child? What is particularly difficult here is bringing to the conscious mind of a child the awareness that the attitude reveals what is in his heart. This is an abstract concept—That there is an attitude of the heart. So it is necessary for us to first be conscious of it and then take every opportunity to point out manifestations of it. We are looking for opportunities to address what’s in the child’s heart—subtle indicators that reveal it. We are not necessarily looking for big, bold behavioral actions, but subtle indicators like a look in the eye, a smirk on the face, drooped shoulders. We, the parents, must utilize our God-given intuition or sensitivity to these types of indicators. In fact, when Mitch or I take note of a subtle “bad-attitude indicator”, we actually test it by a random command like, “Please, go touch the door”, to test if obedience or rebellion is in the heart. (Mitch adds: On occasion the child responds with a “No!” (or similar rebellious response) and then our suspicions are confirmed…rebellion reveals its ugly head, and now we can address it confidently. Other times the child obeys immediately, walking over, with a “good” attitude and touching the door, and our suspicions are put to rest. In the second scenario, the child is often self-correcting as the exercise emerges or unfolds. THIS IS PERFECT! This trains the child to use self-discipline…so that we don’t have to discipline them. ) As you can see, this type of test illustrates the irrelevance of the actual behavior, (door touching) but emphasizes the importance of what is in the heart.

Here is an example of a training session Mitch and I had with Moriah this past weekend (now keep in mind that we have been talking to her about having a good attitude and using self control since she has been able to understand English.) We asked Moriah to go and change her skirt because it didn’t match her shirt. She said she didn’t want to. We told her that she needed to obey even though she didn’t want to because obedience brings joy. Mitch administered some minor pain. (In this instance it was in the form of a little pinch at the top, back part of her leg.) She pouted and dropped her head and shoulders and turned to go obey. We called her to us, Mitch again administered the minor pain, and asked her if she wanted to be obedient, she said yes, so we asked her to be obedient with a good attitude. She needed to smile and keep her head up and quickly do as she was told. She adjusted her attitude and went on to change her skirt. When she came bouncing back, she had a completely different demeanor. We congratulated her on doing a good job and having a good attitude. We called her to us, hugged her, and told her that she was obedient. She happily snuggled us with a look of pride on her face. We said, “That’s so good! Don’t you feel good that you were obedient? See, obedience does bring joy! Thank you for obeying.” We really don’t care that much about her non-matching clothes, but we do care about the rebellion in her heart as revealed by the pouting, pitiful attitude.  This was a training opportunity, an opportunity to address what was in her heart…so consequently we were compelled to address it until we could see that what was in her heart had changed.

Now what if she didn’t use her self-discipline and change her attitude? What would we have done? Ideally, we would have set all else aside, and spent the time needed to continue patiently and calmly asking her to obey and change her attitude, administering minor pain if she balked or refused. Then, when she finally did obey, we would ask her to obey 2 or 3 random commands, like “put your hands on your head” or “touch the door and come back” just to secure that she was truly disciplining herself. On the rare occasion that she refuses these random commands, then the training session continues until there is complete compliance with a good attitude. Rarely is this necessary if from a very young age they have been trained that obedience brings joy, and that a good attitude must accompany the obedience. There have been rare occasions when the children have gone through a very long training session—each once or twice in their lives—but we have tried to drop what we were doing (going out to dinner, teaching school, making dinner, etc.) and let everyone involved with our plans know that a training session was necessary so please excuse us for a while. Going the distance with these sorts of training sessions is so worth the effort because they rarely have to be done twice in the life of the child if the parent is consistent to enforce obedience on a regular basis. The child’s brain then becomes trained that the attitude and actions of obedience bring joy and therefore they truly desire to have “obedience in their hearts.”

Of course Mitch and I are not perfect in our training of our children, as I am sure you have observed, because it takes discipline on our part to do it. Sometimes we don’t make it a priority because so many other things are going on, sometimes we are not in our own home or we have guests, sometimes I have been tired from a pregnancy, etc. There are many things that can distract us from this work, but this is indeed Kingdom work and we would do well to put the training of our children as a main goal of each day. This is one very valuable way we can honor and serve our husbands and consequently the King.

Mama Amy